ECONOMIC REALITIES: Those euromyths in full

The Slog

by John Ward

In a press release this afternoon, new European President Mr Jean-Claude Juncker confirmed that, by 2020, the free lunch would be available to those citizens who vote for the euro to be obligatory for all EU members. Backing disc-jockey Juncker’s pledge, ECB President Signor Mario Draghi said he now had categorical assurances from the Tooth Fairy that under every child’s pillow there would be more than enough money to bail out flatlining Greece, zombie Portugal,  capital-free Spain, headless-chicken Italy, and Deutsche Bank. 

“If one calculates the tooth-fairy dimension on the basis of three extractions per child – a modest aim – it is clear that our debt problems will be over by next year, and if there should be any shortfall at that point then the Sandman will bring me a dream,” said the former star of Walls Cornetto commercials.

Speaking from London shortly afterwards, Mr David Cameron shrugged off the Juncker pledge by observing that “although our manufacturing base is less than the gdp of Robin Hood’s merry men, it is expanding at the fastest speed in a generation and is expected to be the driving force behind the British economy just in time for the cows coming home after jumping over the Moon, but most certainly in time for the little dog to laugh at such fun”.

French President Francois Hollande followed a middle line between the two combatants when he suggested that Pere Noël would be back as always in just five months time to provide the Trésor Publique with lots of things under the tree, very much in the same way as the Christmas Brussels Sprout had given Mr Smartarass of Greece everything he asked for in his wish-list to the Loch Ness Merkel during December 2013.

Ever the realist, Labour’s Shadow Chancellor Mr Teddy Testicles said that Britain could not rely on silly ideas such as these, vowing that “Only Labour has the means and loose ends to employ Irish leprechauns with the ability to transmute empty rhetoric into pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.”

But rebuffing Testicles soon afterwards, UK Chancellor of the Exchequer and honorary Easter Bunny Mr George Osborne said he had slain the Dragon of Insolvency from his saddle position atop the Unicorn of Untold Wealth and all would be well, you just see if it isn’t, and we were all going to live Happily Ever After.

 Yesterday at The Slog: How long will the sheeple be asleeple?